Strained Devotions

It can be very difficult for me to read my bible sometimes. My mind races at a million miles an hour, and even when all distractions are put away, I am so very easily distracted. It has taken me about a month just to read three chapters of Ephesians in my devotion time. Sometimes I must read only five verses at a time, and even then, I must read those same five verses two or three days in a row. Some days my bible reading feels fruitful and encouraging, or powerful, or challenging. Other days, I open my bible and struggle for twenty minutes to read even one verse and take it in.

And call me strange, but I don’t feel quite right taking ADHD medication for my quiet time with the One who created me this way. Though it is easy to think of my brain as a defect or disability, especially in this academic castle I’m hidden away in, it is not a sickness. It makes certain things very hard – structured, or sterilized, daily bible readings are one of those things. But it is also what gives me my empathy and imagination. It enables me to see all the details at the same time as the big picture, and make connections between ideas that others may not see. It’s why I can’t stand loud noises, sitting on the ground, and being cold; but it’s why I have big ideas, a greater sense of longing for things that cannot be seen, and a truly heartfelt understanding of God’s grace.

God did not give me a learning disability, the academics did. A society that esteems early risers, deadlines, and pieces of official paper over artists, the productivity of the night, and practical work gave me a learning disability — everyone who sees my shortcomings or failures over my hard work and gifts.

But my God, my Creator and Lover of my soul, He made me fearfully and wonderfully; intentionally. He sees my heart, my efforts, and my desires, and for reasons that I know are true but cannot yet see, He gave me such a mysterious and wonderful mind which requires more skill, patience, and love to use well. And I should not — I shall not! — fear nor be disheartened on those days when I close my bible and can hardly remember what was read. For I know that I am known. I, in all that I am, am truly and deeply known by my loving Creator. And when my heart is still, even if my mind cannot be, I know that He is God.