This morning at church I was interrupted in the middle of a story I had been going to tell about a beautiful moment during my time as a Christian school chaplain. As I was mid-sentence, the woman I was speaking to cut in‒ “Single-gender school or both genders?”
In a flash, the curiosity at such a strange question stilled into an awkward discomfort. I knew why she was asking the question. It is probably the only reason someone would interrupt a story about God’s work and character to ask such a specific question about a school and situation they otherwise knew nothing about. Not surprisingly, it wasn’t the first encounter I’d had at my church with a woman who is critical to the point of hostility towards female chaplains in co-ed schools.
On the one hand, I understand the conservatives’ concern about these things. Especially in high school, the fact is that boys are going through a lot of hormonal changes, and sometimes a female teacher (or chaplain) is the focus of some of those feelings or words. It’s gross, but it’s the world we live in, and it is something that no discerning chaplain is unaware of.
The other hand, though, holds so much more weight that I cannot believe I’m still fielding comments like these from Christians: this holds true for men, too. Teenage girls may not as commonly express the feelings of, well, adolescence, the same way boys do, but it is still their experience. Eugene Peterson writes about the realities of intimacy-seeking in the pastor-parishioner dynamic which applies to chaplaincy of any kind, too (Five Smooth Stones for Pastoral Work by Eugene Peterson). It reflects the seeking of the human soul for love and intimacy with God. It is not something that women alone are subject to, and it is so dangerous and ignorant to assume this.
If, then, both men and women in positions of caregiving or power are prone to be subject to romantic thoughts and feelings by those they care for, why would it be considered better for a man to be in such a position? If a school or workplace is not single-gendered, then it should not matter what gender their chaplain is. The pros and cons are equal. To say that men are more preferable than women as a chaplain is to indirectly but damningly say you believe that female students and employees don’t deserve the same spiritual care, rights, or advocacy, as males. And I would like to hear what you think Jesus would say to that.
What, then? Should co-ed schools simply go without a chaplain? Is it really better to go without anyone to preach the word, than to have a woman do so?
This idea holds true even if the concern from conservative Christians is simply that they don’t believe women should be in a position of spiritual authority (as a chaplain) over teenage boys. If this is the case, it is ironic that my conversational partner didn’t ask whether it was a high school or primary school I was talking about, because to posit that a co-ed primary school shouldn’t have a female chaplain while women head-up the church Sunday school is blind hypocrisy.
I wish I had the chance, or energy, to pause my story altogether and tell another about my chaplaincy to male students who had bought heavily into Andrew Tate’s content and incel ideology, to the extent of bitter hostility and sexualised verbal attacks on female students and staff alike. I wish I could tell stories of giving these students opportunities to speak to me, a woman, openly and without judgement about what they believe about women and why. I wish I could tell her how being a calm and gracious woman who would accept these boys as they were gave me the opportunity to build rapport with them so that my challenges about their worldview were received, and their behaviour towards women began to shift. Don’t get me wrong, I couldn’t change everything; and the whole process to even the genesis of change (it took many months) was emotionally and spiritually exhausting for me. But whatever positive impact God made in the lives of those boys through me, I am convinced, through the many conversations and interactions had with them, that it would not have been the same coming from a man – even one who challenged their views on women.
I understand that it is powerful and appropriate for boys to have positive male role-models in their life; and that it is equally powerful and appropriate for girls to have positive female role-models in their life. But in this day and age, when social media is profiting off content which polarises gender debates and pushes boys and girls to extreme ends of misogyny or misandry, having mature, patient, positive, and Christ-like examples of the opposite gender is crucial to combatting this hostility.
It may be that I misjudged her intent by the question. It’s not iron-clad, but my experience so far has ruled out any other possibility in my mind. The saddest thing about this moment, when I was interrupted mid-story, is that it immediately dampened our conversation about God. Suddenly, the beautiful thing I had wanted to say was overshadowed by this interruption and unspoken disapproval. How much, I wonder, is this an image for the wider discussion about gender in the church? How much is it belittling the work that God is doing through women? How much is it, regardless of which side of the fence you preach from, taking the focus off of Christ and His love for the world, for the sake of prioritising our own agendas?
The Restless Sojourner 
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